Well, E3 has come and gone, the convention center’s been cleared out, and it’s all over but the shouting. Who were the winners? Staggeringly few, it would seem. Who were the losers? All of us. Behold:
- Microsoft: You kids like Kinect, right? I hope so, because we don’t have a single new idea on stage today, so here’s a bunch of stuff you already knew was coming…
- …and also the SmartGlass, designed for people who can’t wait until after the show or game to look up supplementary trivia.
- Sony: Don’t worry guys, we’ll save E3! Look, David Cage is making another movie! And we’ve got Tomb Raider, Assassin’s Creed 3 DLC, and The Last of Us!
- The Vita? What’s that? Oh… ohhhh, right, we were supposed to market that! Oh god, we totally forgot! Quick, throw some Black Ops on there, they won’t know the difference!
- Nintendo: Pfft, amateurs. Here’s how you save E3: Pikmin, Mario, more Mario, the balance board, karaoke, and minigames! Bam, done! Just hand us your money as you walk out.
- What do you mean, “Where was the Zelda?” Look, uh… we’re, um, still working on that. Maybe there’s a Fire Emblem for the 3DS or something, I really don’t know. No more questions!
- Ubisoft: In spite of our utterly unlikeable hosts, we are the only company with a halfway decent gaming roster to show this year. This, ladies and gents, is the face of despair.
- My liver will never forgive me for all the drinking I put it through.